With lots of unavailability throughout the club, we lost several of the mighty 3s Squad who got dropped to the 2s and even the 1sts. We still though had a decent side for the trip to Kilndown & Lamberhurst.
Our earlier fixture against them had been rather spoiled by the attitude of some of their players and they have acquired a certain reputation amongst all the Division 8 sides.
It*s a pretty looking ground once you find it.
The outfield looked good if a little uneven in places. The track though looked rather dry and in need of watering and a roll.
Skinner won the toss and chose to field.
Damps opened the bowling down the slope and was, as ever, right on the money. Balls from his end were popping rather.
Jacob West had to run up the hill and bowled well in tricky conditions. From his end the ball was keeping low at times.
We fielded well. Norton set the tone with an early swoop and throw hitting the stumps with the batsman only just scampering in.
West struck first, with Skinner taking a catch behind the stumps. His next wicket was clean bowled and he finished with great figures of 5-1-15-2.
Damps got in on the action with Patton senior taking a catch at mid off.
Thereafter, things got a little excitable.
Tim Lush replaced West and started well.
Skinner took another good catch when their batsman got an edge from a square cut. He started to walk, then changed his mind. The umpire was unmoved and claimed he hadn’t heard anything. Which was odd as everyone else had, including their square leg umpire. The batsman later said that he hadn’t heard the edge because of his helmet. But also said that the noise was him hitting the ground (his bat was a good 6 inches above the ground - and that’s not what Guttsy calls 6 inches either).
Raja replaced Damps, and Skinner suddenly regretted keeping wicket. He turns his off spinners sharper than virtually anyone in memory. He also has a quicker ball. And a leg spinner that turns sharply the other way. And the bounce was increasingly unpredictable. Raja was too good for the batsman but sadly also too good for the keeper. Three backstops were needed. Highlight of the incompetence was probably Skinner charging down to leg only for it be a leggie and the ball turning back over the stumps and beating him on his inside. It is rumoured that 20 byes were conceded but none of you mickey taking buggers will ever be able to prove it. The keeper has ripped the relevant page out of the score book and also has the log in and password for the Play Cricket website.
Raja got a deserved wicket when Norton held a good catch in the deep. In his 8 overs he bowled 5 maidens and took 1 for 12
Lush continued to trouble the batsmen and soon had their No 6 well caught behind by Skinner. Except that the batsman and umpire were unmoved. This time their umpire heard the noise but reckoned it was off the pad. Which might have been convincing if those sounds aren’t completely different and the bat or ball had been anywhere near his pads. The batsman’s failure to walk became a little more understandable when you heard his accent.
Lush did get three wickets via two more catches from Patton senior and one from Westy.
Trott replaced Lush and had several good l.b.w shouts. Even their non-walking no 6 was later to admit one of them was plumb. None were given however. Jez did get a bit of punishment when he dropped short.
Norton replaced Raja and bowls some good off-spin and using his height gets bounce. By now, the keeper was a blubbering wreck, desperately trying to keep the byes below three figures.
The latest umpire sent out was their young excitable opener. He loudly called a no ball from square leg for a full toss from Guttsy. (For the avoidance of doubt, only the bowler’s end umpire can call those). As the ball had hit the batsman in the groin, Guttsy did enquire whether the ball was actually above waist height. (Law 41.7.1 if they want to check). It may of course be that their physiology is slightly different in that part of Kent, or that they skipped anatomy classes.
That umpire then called a wide when the keeper took the ball without moving his feet. Even his team mates were embarrassed by that one.
He then didn’t give a run out that was frankly hard to explain. You could sense his desperate reluctance when he had to give a stumping off the last ball from Guttsy. After all, the batsman was only two feet out of his crease. To make it less stressful for himself he didn’t raise his finger and just muttered “Yes that one’s out”.
They finished 140 for 8 off their 40 overs. It’s fair to say that we felt with independent umpiring, it would have been substantially less.

The atmosphere was unpleasant. We shouldn’t have reacted the way we did but it was all rather blatant. The skipper who had managed not to swear, just, called the team in and pointed out we needed not to react to anything they said.

Tank and Lush opened up. Tank’s love of the game is infectious as was his joyous smile when he edged one for 4. However he wasn’t moving his feet well and was bowled for 5.
Raja was next in and his first ball for a straight four.
Soon after, he shuffled across and was given out l.b.w by our leader, who was umpiring at both ends. He can think of at least three decisions on the Kildown innings that were substantially plumber and not given, but we like to do things properly and sleep at night with a clean conscience.
The bounce on the wicket was becoming increasingly unpredictable. Dave Patton got one that popped up outrageously from a full length, hit him in the guts and then rolled onto the stumps dislodging the bail.
Leo Petty was next in and hit three boundaries in his entertaining 15 before he was bowled by one that kept low.
Tim Lush was looking calm despite the outrageous bounce that caused him some discomfort. However he stopped on a shot and looped one up to cover. Our top score of 16. Damps immediately did the same thing for a duck.
Harry Norton had looked good and used his height to control the bouncing ball. Eventually though he got one that bounced horrifically and he could only fend at it and it looped to the keeper.
Guttsy was in used his experience well to keep the score ticking over.
Jacob West was caught for one and Skinner was in at no 10. He and Guttsy took the score smoothly past 80 and the excitable opposition started to look and sound a bit tense.
Guttsy though was bowled for 14.
Jez Trott was caught without scoring. Skinner unbeaten on 10. We were all out for 81. Or something like that.
The opposition have developed a certain reputation in the League. They make no secret of their desire to get promoted and it will be a much happier Division if they do go up.