(This match report is in honour of the 80th Anniversary of the D-Day Landings and therefore carries a military theme)

“ Never in the field of match fees, was so much owed, by so many, to so few” -Winston Churchill

“ That’s too ****ing short Lewis, pitch it up!” - Joseph Stalin

“ I can’t help but feel you’re making these quotes up to be honest, they don’t seem overly convincing or relevant .” - Jim Bowen

To Marden then men! Go forth to Marden! Marden was our quest. A quest that was by no means one without trials and tribulations. It could have been, in the event of a loss, our darkest hour. But after last week, we shall never surrender.

At 1245 local hours we all strained our eyes towards a speck on the horizon, barely visible, a pixel amongst the vast country landscape. As it walked towards us, it indicated we were batting first, having lost the toss.

It was time to spring into action, and the top order was scrambled to deal with the looming seam up threat. A dogfight ensued for the first few overs, with multiple incoming dispatched for four through backward square leg, getting off to a positive start. It was now that we suffered our first loss, with our supreme leader guiding a projectile to slip.

This brought Benj (aka Major Cockup) to the crease, lacking combat experience of late with short periods of intense fighting leading to low scores. A slow start, but dug in with Mark Hodges ( aka Private Parts) to give the team the solid foundation required. At the Water/loo break after 20, we’d accumulated 81 for the loss of just one casualty.

At 23 overs, our second loss, with Major Cockup falling in the field of battle in the same manner as his predecessor. A patient 55. What happened next was a military blunder. Somme poor shot selection resulted in the middle order getting ambushed and bogged down, despite some average bowling. With the heavy firepower of Luxton, Bedwell and Henslow all departing in single figures.

Meanwhile, entrenched and seeing off multiple attacks was Private Parts, who continued to play a true officers innings, and made a Valiant 48 off 13,994 balls. He eventually also fell, and in the last 10 overs, a real thrust was needed in order to get to a competitive objective. The odd boundary helped us along, but a final total of 171 was agreed to be below par for the track. Commander Sandhu of HMS Moretti gets a mention in dispatches for a brave 28 not out with dwindling reserves and a very limited supply line. Chief Engineer Petty Officer Dan Dawson, who was not available for this fixture must also be commended for the upkeep of an impressive destroyer.

Rations taken at 1535L hours, with strict orders from Field-Marshal Jerry requesting operational resumption at 1600L, but big brass requesting battle stations and in position at 1555L.

In tribute to the Axis powers, Ober-Leutnant Von Lush decided to enforce a tyrannical regime of his own from the offset, with strict order to keep ze ball off ze ground. His relentless bombardment to continually batter and demoralise members of his own team resulted in early stages of friendly fire, but this was resolved early on. After a few overs, Benj was told to stay warm, due to potential operational need early on in the innings.

Charlie Luxton ( aka General Tom Foolery) joined his German counterpart opening the bowling up the incline. Despite good pace, it would be fair to say that at times, the line was sub-optimal. The Marden frontal offensive got underway with a flurry of boundaries, but an early wicket from Lush, when pressure built and the ball was chipped to mid on was a sign of things to come. The no3 went soon after, edging behind with a good catch from the supreme leader behind the sticks. Benj continued to stay loose.

Champagne moment of the match however, must go to Private Parts at 2nd slip. Who pulled off a stunning catch, managing to defy gravity by scooping the ball just millimetres off the turf low down to his left. He has been awarded the Distinguished Service Order for his bravery and services to being an all round good egg. (For clarity Boss this is in no way a comment on your baldness, you’re just genuinely a top bloke with minimal hair).

The dismissal that followed was also a spectacle to behold. Never in the teams battle experience had they seen the like. A quick questionably deliberate bouncer off Lewis ( who reports directly to Commander Lucia of the USS Thumb ) rose sharply and struck the combatants shoulder, before dropping sharply and rolling towards his castle. The shellshocked batter then reached down and hit the ball away with his hand. Leading to an appeal and the finger being raised from square leg. Signals and Semma4 from the boundary indicated frustration from the home side, since through applying the laws of cricket, we were against the spirit of the game. Benj remained loose. 33-4.

The battlefield was become flatter, and there was a period of play in the middle overs, where the enemy chipped away at 5 or 6 per over. Bedwell continued to bowl erratic grenades, so short that eventually had to be taken off after blowing his own leg off. James West ( 1s reservist ) and Miles Henslow ( Whose Daddy is Minister for War don’t you know ) bowled superbly in tandem and finished off the tail, with Marden suing for peace just 20 short of victory.

The battle is won, but the campaign continues. Next week, we turn our attention to Eynsford, as we invade the green as part of Operation League.

Lush unavailable next week due to a function in Nuremberg, and Noel ( Officer Commanding Protein Corps ) continues his rest and recuperation with a poorly hamstring.