1st XI v Cudham Wyse

Playing in 28 degree heat? Cudham Unwyse.

And it was to Cudham Unwyse we travelled in the blistering sun ( with no air conditioning since Noel wants a nice car, but isn’t prepared to pay for one). Going into Saturday being top of the table, we understood the importance of an away win, at a ground where have only had moderate success in the past few years.

The wicket was dry, the outfield was dry, our mouths were dry and our jockstraps weren’t. Mark continued his poor tossing form, and as a result we were put into the field. Straight away it was clear that it was going to be a tough few hours.

Our priorities were as follows;

Restrict them to below 250 on what was a very fast, hard and bouncy deck.

Not evaporate.

Lush opened the bowling from the top end and realised fairly early that there would be minimal movement for the bowlers. Charlie encountered the same problem from the bottom end, realising that slightly back of a length and hurrying the openers may pay dividends. Nevertheless, the Cudham Daft openers scrambled together an opening partnership of 59, paying little respect to Alexander Frank Lush, who became increasingly frustrated by their lack of aesthetically pleasing shot selection.

The breakthroughs came in quick succession when Mark brought himself on first change up the hill, getting both openers in consecutive overs. The extra bounce causing the demise of both. The number 3 strode out to the crease in an England Football top and black trainers. It is therefore fair to say, that our expectations for this batsmen were low. After his third six over Mid-On, we reevaluated our position. At the halfway stage of their innings, Cudham Silly had reached 118-3. By this time, Benj had begun his spell from the top end replacing Alex Lush, who since his expensive over, had punched a bench and kicked a youth.

After 2 horrendous overs which he blamed on a sweaty ball, chubby fingers and a lack of raw talent, Benj and Mark started to bowl nicely in tandem and reduced the home team drastically in overs 20-30, dropping their run rate keeping them to 168 off 30 overs. Wickets continued to fall at regular intervals throughout this period, with good catches from Charlie and Mark Hodges. It was agreed that our fielding effort in the mid part of the innings was the most comprehensive of the season so far under the most challenging of conditions. Well done boys. In the meantime, 7 year old Lucas Brookman began his spell up the hill. For a young man he has impressed the team immensely, with his playing ethic, exemplary temperament, and his Sonic the Hedgehog gameplay on his Nintendo DS. He has also just been awarded his Knot Badge at Cubs by Papa Owl. Congratulations Lucas.

In his first bowl of the season, Miles Henslow replaced Benj down the hill, in a spinning capacity. His superb spell at the death changed the momentum of the innings, picking up 3 quick wickets and alongside skipper Mark with his 4fer, reduced Cudham Outright Stupid to 223-8. On that track in those conditions, a top effort.

On a side note, it must be noted that the cordial to water ratio applied by the home team during drinks was exemplary. Credit where credit is due.

Lunch was the usual 1s civilised affair. Noel sported some middle-class chicken and Avocado sandwiches lovingly prepared by Tracey. Mark H, Charlie, Will, and Alex enjoyed a regular Meal Deal, whilst Lucas had a Fruit Shoot and some Dolly Mixtures.

Noel and Mark H opened up the batting, chasing what we felt was probably a par score for the track. They started well and Cudham Bizarre leaked runs first up. There was a heart- in - mouth scenario when Mark middled it to Gully, but Barry adjudged he’d simply hit the floor. Top officiating. Mark clearly felt guilty for being let off, and decided to miss a straight one instead. 28-1.

The Johnston brothers started to build a partnership. (Fun fact: despite technically being twins, Noel is 5 days older than Benj, and they share different mothers). Noel looked as though he was starting to find some form, staying on top of the bounce. The lovers ran well, and the score ticked along nicely to 75 before disaster struck.

Benjamin was hit in the chest playing forward to ball trying to work it to leg. Quite rightly, he was adjudged Leg Before Wicket by the opposition umpire whose credibility we never doubted. A decision which I wholeheartedly agreed with. A bouncy wicket, hit in the torso and looking to work it to leg. It just felt out.

Charlie strode out to the wicket like a human sight screen. Despite Noel looking good and playing well, he missed a full toss and was given out by Barry Watling MBE.

Dave Charlton, a man consisting of 82% forearm strode out to the crease with the score at 89-3. A long way to go by all accounts. However, we all understood that this was the sort of wicket where runs would naturally come. Tired bowlers, quick outfield etc. The key was to bat the overs. The runs would come. Unfortunately, this message did not reach Dave, who chipped a half volley to square leg. 103-4 off 19. In at 6 was Kilometre Henslow, a man who by his own admission hates cricket. He put on a superb display of quick thinking, walking at bowlers and distracting them.

It was however, the batters time to be distracted. There was some conjecture as to how I’d approach the incident that then took place. So I think it’s best that I state it in factual terms. In the 21st over, a woman of approximately 30 years ran onto the pitch mid-over and disrupted play. She then, for reasons unknown, decided to flash her breasts. As a team we were disgusted, and Charlie will be severely reprimanded for punching the air multiple times at the non-strikers end. Once the standing ovation had died down, it was clear that Miles had been dramatically traumatised by events as he hit one down Long-Ons throat for a superbly made 16 at a crucial time. Despite a thorough whip round, the woman never reappeared.

What followed next was a captains innings. From the captain. Charlie and Mark S effectively took the game away from the opposition, and Charlie for the second time that innings, went hard. He hit the ball to all corners of the field, while Mark S did the same. The skipper timed the ball with precision, and stepped up to the fold when we needed it most, reaching his half century in superb time . Shortly after, Charlie was bowled for a powerful and well made 45.

In came Alex Lush. Out went Alex Lush. In came Will Terry. Out went Will Terry. All of a sudden it was crunch time. We still needed 13 to win but only 2 wickets in hand. What happened next was a blur, a few extras and a cracking cover drive from Dave Schutts brought us to within 6 of victory. And so fittingly, it was Mr Sandhu who picked one up off middle stump and sent it into the long grass for a huge maximum.

A superb victory which we tried our best to get wrong. Credit goes to the fielding performance during those middle overs, and the early-middle order who did a superb job when it was most needed and in the balance.

Well done boys. Onto Farningham at Home. Thanks go to Barry for umpiring, Tesco for their reasonable Meal Deal, and unknown woman from Cudham for her contributions.

MOTM: Skipper Mark Sandhu